How We Can Change “Things That Kill Our Love”

Updated: Aug 7, 2020

by Irina Jacobson, MA, MBA, MH


If we'd go again All the way from the start I would try to change Things that killed our love Yes, I've hurt your pride, and I know What you've been through You should give me a chance This can't be the end I'm still loving you

Scorpions

Songwriters: Rudolf Schenker / Klaus Meine / Herman Rarebell » Still Loving You lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

There are quite a few planetary movements in August 2020, but one of the most significant aspects, influencing relationship to self and to others, is a sextile of Jupiter in Capricorn with Neptune in Pisces, amplified by Sun in Leo squaring Uranus in Taurus. How an activation of a sextile, harmonious energy between Capricorn and Pisces, combined with Leo influence on the Sun, can become a pathway for healing our relationships? influence of the flowing Jupiter/Neptune aspect is helping to find resolutions to long standing, deeply emotional (Pisces) conflicts in a structured, respectful and productive (Capricorn) manner. On the other hand, Leo, the ruler of the Sun, connected with our ego state, can make it a bit harder for partners to see the big picture, and compassionate and understanding with each. The general energy at this time is such that the ego nature (Sun) is more predisposed to relate on the “Me-First” level (Leo) to the worldview of the partner, and is less willing to compromise in order to preserve peace and stability of a relationship. On the other hand, the energy of the higher octane more evolved Leo, can become a conduit to illuminating the parts of the relationship that need clarity and healing, and creating a path of benevolent and spiritually based resolution by connecting the harmonious energy of Jupiter/Neptune connection.


Now let’s understand why Capricorn is considered to be in harmony with Pisces, although, at the first glance, these two signs cannot be more polarized. We need to remember that Capricorn does not represent only rules ,duties, and restrictions, but also it’s a sign of the higher order Healers and of a Unicorn, a mythical creature symbolizing unification of earthly realities and higher aspirations. Pisces does not stand only for deception, illusions, and foggy mind, but also, similar to Capricorn, it is a connection with Universe and supreme Unity with the Higher power. Energies of Jupiter and Neptune, interacting in a flowing, supportive aspect, are providing a perfect support for partners into start practicing and implementing effective (Capricorn) and Compassionate (Pisces) interactions.

According to the renowned relationship experts, John and Judy Gottman, the main love killers, that they dubbed “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, are Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. I like to give you a few practical advices on how to talk to your partners in Effective and Compassionate manner, so you can be prepared to practice the Love Saving Relationship Healing communication style when the time comes in mid- June!

CRITICISM: Defining a disagreement area or partners’ complain as a defect of partners’ personality.

Advice: Start a conversation with “I “statements that expresses your feelings or attributes (“I feel”, “I need”)

Examples for Critical statements reframing:

Ø “Critical” Statement: “You never listen to me”

Effective/Compassionate reframe: I feel misunderstood. Would you please continue our discussion?”

“Critical” Statement: “You always late from work

Effective/Compassionate reframe: “I would like to spend more time with you. Would you mind sometimes to come home little earlier?”

DEFENSIVENESS: Self-defense mechanism that assumes blaming the other party or accepting a perpetual victim position.

Advice: Accept at least partial responsibility for the issue

Examples for Defensive statements reframing:

“Defensive” Statement: It’s your fault that we don’t have any money.”

Effective/Compassionate reframe: “There is a part of my fault in this. I might start thinking about the ways to adjust my spending habits.”

“Defensive” Statement : “Because of you, I don’t have a career.

Effective/Compassionate reframe: “I was procrastinating for a while but now I am thinking of taking some classes that would help me to go back to work. Let’s discuss how these classes would fit into our schedule.”

CONTEMPT: Assuming a superior position in relationship and treating a partner as an inferior part of the couple. Per Gottman’s research, contempt is the greatest predictor of the divorce, and utmost attention should be paid to elimination of this trait.

Advice: Describe you own needs or feelings (don’t discuss partners’ needs or feelings)


Examples for Contemptuous statements reframing:

“Contemptuous” Statement: You always make stupid decisions.”

Effective/Compassionate reframe: I feel disappointed that you purchased the expensive car without consulting with me. I need to be included in the decisions that affect our family.”

“Contemptuous” Statement: “You should not talk about the things you don’t know”.

Effective/Compassionate reframe: “I feel that you were not aware of your daughter’s band practice schedule when you were talking about her activities to the teacher. I need to have discussion of our children’s schedule prior to parent-teacher conferences.”

Stonewalling: Emotional withdrawal from interaction with a partner, ignoring the partner, not participating in interactions and not giving nonverbal signals of attending the partner

In order to replace Stonewalling with Effective/Compassionate interactions, we need to be aware of our own emotions so we’d to be able to emotionally relate to our partners. We need to notice when we go so deep in our negative and distressing thoughts and shut the partner down.

Partners need to remember that, as Thich Nhat Hanh pointed out: The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.”

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